dlanor: (Estelle - elegance)
zero ([personal profile] dlanor) wrote2011-12-28 09:53 am
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Intermission - Yuri/Estelle: Only Doubting Herself

Self-sacrificing. Trying to do everything by himself. Doing the jobs no one wants to do. She had heard so much about him, but it was a while before she actually got to meet him. He gladly took her under his wing, taught and showed her exactly what the world was like, showed her exactly what the council and the Empire was trying to hide from her. Corruption, everywhere, but she believed there was a good world behind it all.

Especially when someone like him was willing to do all he could to expose such corruption to protect everyone. The Knights wouldn’t do that, they followed the laws, but she saw how it hardly helped. Someone like him wouldn’t be able to remain in the Knights, wasn’t able to remain in the knights, but he was still able to make his impact… he never wavered. She saw how much he enjoyed fighting, but never would he point his blade at someone who wasn’t deserving.

That’s what she really liked and still likes about him.

Even if he thought that such corruption would lead him to hurt the ones he cares about, to hurt her, she knew it would never happen. He has too much self-control to allow it, and she knows he would never forgive himself. It’s why she can trust him as she does. What she doesn’t understand is why he went so far to keep her alive, even after hearing the words about being an infected part of a whole parroted by Phaeroh, the same exact words said by him regarding Judith… She didn’t get it, she still doesn’t get it. She still doesn’t get that he didn’t kill her as she had asked.

She still doesn’t get why he allowed her to live after everything she had done.

But because of everything… she found she could trust him… more than anyone. And maybe that trust grew to even stronger feelings, and she was well aware of this. Still, she’s a caged bird, a flower kept safe inside its garden. Even if she was able to escape for a short time, it’s only a matter of time before she has to go back. Until then, she will smile for him, do her best to be happy for him and everyone else. She no longer wants to be a burden, but a friend that they can be happy around. A friend that can make them all smile.

A friend that can make him smile.

That’s all she wants. She can’t ask for anything more since she knows it would be selfish to ask of more. They grew up in different worlds, and as much as he has offered support for her, as much as she’s found she doesn’t have to wear her princess façade around him, she knows that their society would frown upon them being together. They already frown at her simply travelling with him. She wishes she could tell them otherwise, tell them they’re wrong about him, but now that he’s with a guild… while it’s considered to be a good first step in trying to get the Union and Empire to work together peacefully, she’s well aware she’s walking a fine line and has the possibility of committing treason if she hasn’t already.

But… she would go this far to stay travelling with him. She feels safe with him, she doesn’t feel judged around him. That’s all she wants. To ask of any more would be selfish. Especially of someone who doesn’t want to be chained down, someone who she’s well aware wouldn’t be able to commit to anything that resembles a relationship. If it’s one thing she knows she wants to be selfish about is to have a committed relationship with someone, and no matter how strong of feelings she may have for him… to ask that of him she knows is impossible. To ask that of him, when she doesn’t even know of his feelings for her in return could ruin the comfortable relationship they have.

So she’s content like this. Just to travel with him for now. It may hurt, but it would hurt even more to be separated from him, from everyone. That day that she may be stripped from them will be painful, so she will play it safe, keep everything comfortable, and maybe there’s the chance she will never have to return. Stay travelling with them, stay travelling with him.

That’s enough for her…

She keeps telling herself that…

That’s enough for her…

But even then, she knows she’s doubting herself.